The other day I ended up watching a Shiri Appleby movie and realized that it has been way too long since I’d thought about some of the good old teen shows or even glanced at the “beautiful people channel” (you may know it as the CW).

*Somehow* my life has not turned out the way of the teen drama, but all those viewing years shouldn’t go to waste, should they? So I’ve compiled my wisdom (?!) into a guide on how to be a proper teen drama star (girl edition).You may notice there is a special nod to the early 2000s of course (teen drama primetime). May you have better luck than me at being teen drama successes ;)

Stay 17 forever

One of the key ways to maintain your teen leader status is to be 17 for about 5 years. To do this try to never be clear about what grade you are in. Knowing you are in high school should be enough. If you have mistakenly revealed your grade and find yourself in the unfortunate situation where all of your friends are juniors and you are a senior you can just come back for another year despite no previous indication of failing or attend the conveniently located local college.

Don’t worry when you get to college you can show that you have matured by wearing crop tops and cutting your hair.

Be Related to People in Weird Ways

As a teen star you never know when one of your parents could decide to marry your enemy’s dad/mom. If you’re not willing to have Chuck Bass as your step sibling you aren’t trying hard enough.If your parents don’t happen to be looking for a new boyfriend/girlfriend, relax, there is still hope. It’s also nice if you happen to reveal a secret half sibling along the way.

Note: If you and your new siblings do get along, try again. You should be polar opposites. Remember that show Popular? Of course not, unlike me you had better things to do in 1999. But check out this wikipedia synopsis describing the BIGGEST problem two girls could ever face: “Brooke is a popular cheerleader and Sam is an unpopular journalist. Their respective groups are forced to socialize when Brooke’s father and Sam’s mother get engaged and the two girls have to share a house.”

Yikes, socializing with other cliches is the worst. I’m going to go to my unpopular journalist themed bedroom to write some letters to the editor about this one.

Date Someone Supernatural

Knowing about something supernatural doesn’t automatically make you cool, but dating someone of the supernatural persuasion sure does. If Roswell, Smallville, or the Vampire Diaries have taught us anything it’s that humans dating humans is lame. The only exception to this rule is if your crush is so involved in the supernatural that they can’t even remember normality anymore or if they can hunt the supernatural. Now this may be confusing, as you are now wondering if you should kiss or kill a vampire the next time you see one, but the answer is simple: both. Now discuss for 6 seasons.

Of course if you are really desperate and things are terribly normal in your town you could always try dating someone in a coma or swooning after someone with a tragic past.

Act Like High School is the Center of the Universe

Remember your high school is the most important thing in your life even if it may not seem like it. Sure at first it’s all annoying pop quizzes and group projects where you are forced to get to know loner kids and people you have sworn off as enemies, but then it will get easier. Mainly because you will stop going or doing any work for classes. You know, until halfway through the last semester of junior year when that pesky guidance counselor checks the grades and roll for all the popular kids. Dang it.

No, Really, High School Should Never End

If you’d like to take this to the next level you can opt to simply never let anyone leave your high school or home town. Maybe find a fulfilling career as a teacher/guidance counselor at your old high school or simply choose to raise more children to populate said high school. Sure people may want to go, but why let them do that? Most towns these days offer local universities within driving distance of everyone you’ve ever known. Besides time doesn’t exist outside your hometown. College would be a weird blank and real life would resume when you got back.Time always works this way; that’s not a North Carolina thing, right? Hmmm… maybe Chad Micheal Murray spiked the water supply.

Have Secrets

If you are completely trustworthy and no one ever wonders what you are up to you are the annoying kid in someone else’s drama. I suggest you immediately invent a secret: Here’s some tried and trued: hide your true gender, poke around until you find someone with supernatural abilities, ruin everyone’s lives and let someone else take the blame, fall in love with someone you are not supposed to, or I dunno, get into solving mysteries or something.

If this doesn’t work just disappear for strange amount of times and come back and try to “not” allude to the fact you were just having an adventure with some hot, local outcast. Remember is that’s the secrets that make the Pretty Little Liars pretty. Boring people are ugly.

Be Really Rich or Really Poor

Now please don’t mistake this for meaning you should be one or the other; it’s just that a normal level of wealth does nothing to impress your peers. Let’s take Gossip Girl for instance: if there is no wrong side of the tracks then how do we know who to pity? We’d just be lost in a sea of prep school uniforms and headbands. Plus it’s nice to see other less fortunate teens claw their way up the social ladder. However, in some cases It’s ok to go from rich to poor. As long as it’s devastatingly poor and it points out how many issues you really have: Let’s call this the Marissa effect.

Remember: Friends Only Let Friends Date Other Friends (That they secretly want to date)

It’s best (and not complicated at all) to mainly date within your friend circle. If a love interest is worthy enough they could be the basis for you and your friends whole existence over the next few years, so choose wisely. You  may think there are plenty of fish in the sea, but really there are about 6. If you’re lucky you’ll get one or two other eligible young men who move in from year to year. But don’t get discouraged this is good practice for if you happen to move on to an adult drama and are forced to date only people within one hospital/lab/law practice/police department.

It also doesn’t hurt if you are a brunette with sensitive eyes. Just saying.

Bonus points if you know everyone in this picture!

Well that’s it. I’m now really in the mood to reminisce and marathon a few DVD box sets. Hope you’re having a good weekend!

Currently: loving Spotify Premium.