Tag Archives: life

Good things come to those that wait

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How does one measure a person’s patience? Sure you could wait and look at someone’s performance over time, but what if you need more immediate results [What do we want? Patience! When do we want it? Now!] No fear. I’ve developed a 10 step universal test that you can begin using immediately. Have them complete the following tasks:

1. Get information from a poorly constructed mobile website. 

First send them to a full website that simply shows up on a phone screen anyway. Have them click on the tiniest text with their chubbiest fingers. Then send them to a mobile site that is a weird abstraction of the full site. Something that gives you neither information nor functionality, but rather a pretty version of their logo that fits on the cell phone screen.

2. Watch a streaming movie where it always buffers right before the main character reveals whether or not they love the other main character. 

Make sure that when the movie stops buffering it also skips forward 30 seconds. Now they know the result, but did not get to see the crucial moment. Examine reaction.

3. Stay in that one check out line where everyone needs a price check.

Suggested cashier script: “Mmm, you know what, this isn’t ringing up. I’ll just run to the back of this giant, mega store to find out how much it is. I think I know where it is.”

4. Watch a reality talent competition results show WITH commercials and WITHOUT fast forwarding anything. 

Want to skip the filler banter? The repetitious re-evaluations of contestant performances? That one guest judge you hate? Too bad. If you really want to be cruel, do this with a So You Think You Can Dance result show, back when they did the two night programs [Cat Deeley, don’t hate me, I’m still your biggest fan].

5. Adjust custom tabs and formatting in Microsoft Word.

Tell them you only want that one list to be center aligned. Be sure to have them do that dumb decimal tab thing too. Oh and while they’re in there, have them look at that strange formatting error that doesn’t go away when you clear text styles. Include a portion where the print preview looks fine, but then the errors print anyway.

6. Assemble Ikea furniture with no directions. 

A person who truly perseveres knows they only need an allen wrench to succeed.

7. Read an online article with fake next page buttons right above the real next page buttons.

The fake buttons should take them to obnoxious ads completely unrelated to their life or infect their computer with malware. Also, it should take forever to reload the original article.

8. Get them hooked on a new television show… right before midseason hiatus. 

Or even better, a foreign tv show. That way they know that somewhere in the world it is airing, they just have no way to watch it yet. Admittedly, this would take some time to complete, so we’ll consider this test item optional.

9. Drive behind someone who doesn’t go when the light turns green.  

Preferably this should be done at a left turn. Then when the person finally gets to go, the light turns before they can make their move. Remind them that the driver in front of them probably has a really good reason, like they were checking their facebook or fixing their hair.

You can also substitute the scenario where a person is stuck behind someone trying to get into a left turn lane at the last minute [despite no space] and blocking all traffic going straight.

10. Call a customer service line to activate your internet service.

Begin evaluation when the first automated voice message informs them “Please go to our website! You can do all of this online.” Deduct points for when people point out logic, such as “You can’t set up internet service, with no internet service.”

Congratulations! If the person you’re evaluating has passed all these tests they are a master of patience and zen. Learn their ways. 

Bonus test [Will power]: Text promotions. 

If you have a longer period of time to evaluate a person tell them to eat healthy, but sign them up for every restaurant text promotion known to man. Sure you could try watching them do other health programs, but these can be unreliable. Remember, fitness calorie tracking apps can be deleted. Dieting buddies forget to hold you accountable. But Red Mango will text you every ten days whether you like it or not. Bocata will never miss updating you when the cookie selection has been  changed. Jamba Juice will never let you miss a great deal. If they fail this test, as so many have, I simply advise you to have mercy on them and help them eat, pray, love their way through the situation.

Currently: just finished The Peachkeeper (Sarah Addison Allen) and quite enjoyed it.

Snowed In

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At first a snow day seems like a nice, cozy idea (Mind you I use the term snow day loosely, as I hate driving in snow and am easily trapped by bad weather). You settle down with a warm blanket, a cup of cocoa, and that book you’ve been meaning to read. You put together a list of things you’ll do while you’re tucked away from the outside world and its demands. You’ll organize the hall closet, write letters to people, clean your room, work on that craft project, watch that tv show you love, and bake bread. It will be great! Wonderful, even.

Then five minutes later you find your self lying upside down on the couch thinking “This is how it ends. Me. Alone. In my apartment surrounded by a frozen tundra.”

For some reason being snowed in really slows me down and puts me in a discouraging mood. Every time I try to do anything of value I feel so unmotivated and get overly focused on how I can’t leave. Out loud I’ll say “I should just make the best of it and do some dishes while I’m stuck inside.” but my subconscious will interject and say, “But first you should probably mentally prepare yourself by watching 12 hours of television shows that you don’t really care about.” Once I start to see the idiocy of this, I generally try to get myself out of this state by peeping out the window and acting shocked at how much snow has accumulated in the last five minutes. Then when I stop doing that I’ll look at my laptop, and go, oh, wait! Is that the internet? Those ombre cakes  and shabby chic furniture ideas aren’t going to pin themselves. Better get to it. After that there really is no hope. I mean really, those pages, literally don’t end.

Luckily there is a cure to prevent this:

Step one: Draw the shades. If you are like me you will get overly preoccupied with how much snow is building up. Just ignore all that nonsense and move on with your life.

Step two: Make dinner. Hanger is not going to help this situation. Note: A bag of chips does not count as dinner. Your mind will tell you it doesn’t matter all you’re doing is staying inside today, but those chips are in reality tiny little laziness anchors that will weigh you to the couch for eternity.

Step three:  Put on real clothes. Pajamas were not meant to be worn from 9-5. Besides now a days we have things like jeggings, which are just pajama pants society lets us wear in public, so it’s really not that hard to get dressed. Don’t hate; I say this with gratitude, some days are not meant for uncomfortable pants. Don’t try to deny it either. I mean we’ve all seen the pajama jeans ads. Someone is buying them! And if pajega jeans was a real thing we’d wear those too.

Step four: Pick one task you most feel like doing and start doing it. Even if you should be doing something else. One moment of creativity and accomplishment begets another.

Step five: Create a proper snowy day soundtrack and dance it out.*

*Author’s note: Dancing it out is usually an acceptable final step to any problem solving process.

Currently: Sad I didn’t get to go see Austenland at Sundance this year. However, I heard it’s been picked up, so I’ll just have to be patient and wait for it to come out.