I have a problem.

This isn’t a new problem per say, more like a slumbering dragon that has decided to wake up from its long hibernation, rear its ugly head, and smaug all over my life again [Side note: I fell asleep for most of the second half of the last Hobbit movie, so my mythical dragon references are probably all a little confusing and inaccurate].

The problem I am referring to is my perpetual struggle to get out of bed at a proper hour every morning. I’m interested in changing this, but only slightly. By this I mean I want to avoid the part of my day where I wake up exactly 15 minutes later than I should leading tt the mass chaos of me throwing clothes everywhere, rushing around all morning, and eating a healthy, balanced breakfast of granola bars at stoplights. However I am not interested in becoming a “morning person.” This may offend some. I don’t know why, but my friends of the morning seem to think I don’t understand the joy of morning life and if I did I would fall in step, smiling as I set my alarm to wake me up at a time of day that doesn’t include sunlight [When in fact it would be much preferable to me to stay up through the night and greet sunlight that way].

It’s not that I don’t admire people like this. But when you say to me this whole “morning person” business is all in your mind and a simple matter of will power, what I imagine is Cinderella being woken and dressed by helpful animated birds. Because that’s what waking up before 8 am on a Saturday is for me —  an obvious and impossible fantasy created for other people’s amusement.

Let me break down a typical morning for you:

• 6:00 am First Alarm. You have to get up in a little bit. Start thinking about it. Use some of those visualization techniques olympians talk about and imagine a productive morning free of stress or running frantically in heels to catch the next elevator.
• 6:15 am Second Alarm. Now wake up! Wake up now and everything will go smoothly.
• 6:30 am Third alarm. Ok, really get up, if you want to do your hair, it’s important you do this. [Hand fumbles to vanity tables and puts curling iron on to heat up. Hand then grabs phone and proceeds to check social media outlets, blogs, and other important internet things.]
• 6:45 am Oh no. Dang you Buzz Feed! I should have been getting ready, not discovering what snack food I am.
• 7:00 am Ok, things aren’t that bad. Shower! Make up! Hair! GO! GO! GO!
• 7:15 Yikes, am I just starting the whole hair thing?? Is there anyway I can put mascar on and use a curling iron at the same time? Maybe I can get away with just pinning my hair back like… nope. That’s not going to work. Move faster!
• 7:35 am Fourth Alarm. This is the leave-now-or-you-will-be-late-to-work alarm. Usually when this goes off I am still staring at my closet intently beckoning the day’s outfit to reveal itself.
• 7:40 am Fifth Alarm. This is the you-should-be-in-your-car-driving-to-work-alarm. On good days this does indeed go off while I’m driving. On bad days it goes off as I’m locking the apartment door.

I will concede that I can wake up early if I absolutely *have* to. As you may be aware, there is a large conspiracy of morning people plotting to take over the world via submission techniques that keep non morning people tired, groggy, and in place. Thanks to standardized tests, registration for anything, corporate America, and McDonalds breakfast ending at 10:30 on weekdays I’m well aware of how early I’m capable of waking. It’s simply not a priority, no matter how many sunrises I miss or how productive my day could be.

Except for Monday through Friday when I have to be to a job on time [mais oui].

Although I’m happy to report I’ve been conducting this waking up earlier experiment all week and I think I’m slowly, but surely on my way. I got to work 2 minutes early on Thursday, so baby steps everyone, baby steps.

Currently: In the middle of a great weekend that has included eating at Vinto, a Com Truise show, and hanging out with one of my favorite cousins.